Many times in order to feel grateful, you must practice it, this is the act of looking around at your life and being grateful for what you have, even when it does not seem that what you have, fulfills your need for you want.
During the month of December, when we all are concerned about buying things, wishing we had more money to buy things for the people we love, and oftentimes we end up resenting the work that we put into that, I’m going to practice gratitude, and see how my attitude can change from the beginning of the month to the end.
~
I am thankful that I have a job. It isn’t the best job, but I get a paycheck every week, and I know that paycheck is good when I deposit it.
I don’t often feel like, that I have a job that challenges me in a way, that causes me to use my brains, but I’m grateful that it is not a high stress job that constantly calls me to answer the phone, listen to vendors complain about past due bills and worry about how we are going to meet payroll.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Not Saying a Word
I’m a quiet guy, most of the time. I don’t always say what is on my mind. I used to figure that saying nothing would make “it” better.
What ever “it” was.
I think this nature of mine comes from my upbringing. My mother ((stepmother#1)) was the type of person, who just started her tirade all over again if you argued with her or interrupted her.
My Dad tended to be the type that just ignored what you said, such as if I was helping him in the garage working on something, and I saw what he was doing wrong - putting something together, such as a lawn mower that he had taken apart – he would just ignore me if I suggested that it would fit if he just turned it over.
Almost everyone in my life “knew” the correct way of doing whatever “it” was.
So at some point I just stopped talking. I think I stopped listening too. I became very isolated and withdrawn.
I was still involved with the things I was interested in, but I often did not share my feelings. I don’t think it helped that at about the same time an older brother and younger sister left home. There was much more going on than I ever knew, and theirs lives were very different than mine.
-
Still life goes on, and we slowly become whom we are. If we are able, we forgive and forget and learn and embrace that sometimes, people did the best that they knew how.
I slowly discovered who I was, a Spiritual Gay Man, and eventually the truth of who I was became more important than who my parents wanted me to be, so I came out. Slowly over the years, I have become closer to my family, and I love them even more than before.
-
I used to have this idea, that when two people were trying to decide to go to a movie, that if I said “I don’t care which movie we go to see”, that it meant I had a credit in the “ bank” for when there was a movie that I really wanted to see.
It took a friend to point out that “ I don’t care” means “I don’t care”.
-
Slowly I learned that I have to tell people what I want every time, and though that doesn’t mean I will get it, but at least they know what I want.
-
So what is this all about? – Just something I need to get off my chest.
Over a year ago, a friend came to my house, this friend, like most of my friends is opinionated. Now for a little history – We have known each other for many years, and over the years I learned to disagree with him, and he would sometimes call me up and ask “if I was mad at him” I was never mad, for I knew that he had his opinion and I had mine.
However, the last time he was at my house, he said things that were out of line. A year earlier, he was all most killed by a drunken driver, and when he was here, he had too much to drink, was impatient and did not wait his turn at the stop sign and ran into a motorcycle rider and passenger.
Thankfully he did not hurt anyone, however when he got back to my house, he then proceeded to get drunk, and because he was drunk, he said things to me that I felt were his projections of my relations with my family. ((concerning my relationship with my father, my old business, various religious beliefs of my family))
I told him he was drunk and to go to bed, his reply was “If you agree with me, don’t say anything, otherwise let’s keep talking about it."
Well I don’t argue with drunken people, usually I don’t allow them in my house. So he went to bed, he left the next morning and we haven’t talked since.
-
Cowboy said, “Your not the same person he knew so many years ago, you're more confident in yourself, you work out, you’re happy”
-
I guess, I expected him to call up and apologize at some point, not for his thoughts, for he is entitled to his thoughts, but for the fact that he was drunk, that he expressed them in such a way, that he was drunk driving, and that he verbally attacked my family.
Well, life doesn’t happen that way you think it should sometimes, and I guess that I really don’t need people in my life that can’t apologize for the hurt they have caused other people.
Do I miss him? Sure, but I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. – So life goes on, and I’m a little sadder, for I had hoped that he would be the kind of person that could listen. That our years of friendship would mean something to him.
I’m sure you could ask, “Don’t the years of friendship meant something to me?”
Well, yes they do, but sometimes we have to let go of things that do not allow ourselves to grow, to change. And I no longer am willing to let someone verbally abuse me.
What ever “it” was.
I think this nature of mine comes from my upbringing. My mother ((stepmother#1)) was the type of person, who just started her tirade all over again if you argued with her or interrupted her.
My Dad tended to be the type that just ignored what you said, such as if I was helping him in the garage working on something, and I saw what he was doing wrong - putting something together, such as a lawn mower that he had taken apart – he would just ignore me if I suggested that it would fit if he just turned it over.
Almost everyone in my life “knew” the correct way of doing whatever “it” was.
So at some point I just stopped talking. I think I stopped listening too. I became very isolated and withdrawn.
I was still involved with the things I was interested in, but I often did not share my feelings. I don’t think it helped that at about the same time an older brother and younger sister left home. There was much more going on than I ever knew, and theirs lives were very different than mine.
-
Still life goes on, and we slowly become whom we are. If we are able, we forgive and forget and learn and embrace that sometimes, people did the best that they knew how.
I slowly discovered who I was, a Spiritual Gay Man, and eventually the truth of who I was became more important than who my parents wanted me to be, so I came out. Slowly over the years, I have become closer to my family, and I love them even more than before.
-
I used to have this idea, that when two people were trying to decide to go to a movie, that if I said “I don’t care which movie we go to see”, that it meant I had a credit in the “ bank” for when there was a movie that I really wanted to see.
It took a friend to point out that “ I don’t care” means “I don’t care”.
-
Slowly I learned that I have to tell people what I want every time, and though that doesn’t mean I will get it, but at least they know what I want.
-
So what is this all about? – Just something I need to get off my chest.
Over a year ago, a friend came to my house, this friend, like most of my friends is opinionated. Now for a little history – We have known each other for many years, and over the years I learned to disagree with him, and he would sometimes call me up and ask “if I was mad at him” I was never mad, for I knew that he had his opinion and I had mine.
However, the last time he was at my house, he said things that were out of line. A year earlier, he was all most killed by a drunken driver, and when he was here, he had too much to drink, was impatient and did not wait his turn at the stop sign and ran into a motorcycle rider and passenger.
Thankfully he did not hurt anyone, however when he got back to my house, he then proceeded to get drunk, and because he was drunk, he said things to me that I felt were his projections of my relations with my family. ((concerning my relationship with my father, my old business, various religious beliefs of my family))
I told him he was drunk and to go to bed, his reply was “If you agree with me, don’t say anything, otherwise let’s keep talking about it."
Well I don’t argue with drunken people, usually I don’t allow them in my house. So he went to bed, he left the next morning and we haven’t talked since.
-
Cowboy said, “Your not the same person he knew so many years ago, you're more confident in yourself, you work out, you’re happy”
-
I guess, I expected him to call up and apologize at some point, not for his thoughts, for he is entitled to his thoughts, but for the fact that he was drunk, that he expressed them in such a way, that he was drunk driving, and that he verbally attacked my family.
Well, life doesn’t happen that way you think it should sometimes, and I guess that I really don’t need people in my life that can’t apologize for the hurt they have caused other people.
Do I miss him? Sure, but I don’t need that kind of drama in my life. – So life goes on, and I’m a little sadder, for I had hoped that he would be the kind of person that could listen. That our years of friendship would mean something to him.
I’m sure you could ask, “Don’t the years of friendship meant something to me?”
Well, yes they do, but sometimes we have to let go of things that do not allow ourselves to grow, to change. And I no longer am willing to let someone verbally abuse me.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Community
One of my favorite reads is Moby – He says what is on his mind, and he does so in a manner that is refreshing and respectful - this week he is talking about Community - Go there to read more if you wish.
It got me thinking about myself however, and how I live my life, and also how some of my friends live their lives. In my church, we have a saying, “ If you want to be loved, then go and love someone” In other words you only get what you give.
I feel like a lot of times that I’m not part of a community, but when I think about it. I must admit that if I don’t feel part of a community, it is because of my own actions.
Some examples of the things I do are;
I don’t comment on every one’s blogs that I read.
When on a bicycle ride, I don’t talk to everyone that might be on the same ride.
I don’t call people on the phone and talk to them, ask them how they are.
I starting riding in the Aids-Lifecycle as doing something that was giving to others, it brought me great rewards, but though I was now part of this “community” I still felt a disconnect, so I became a Training Ride Leader.
This required more giving on my part, more of my time, more of my knowledge, more of my heart. And, so my rewards were greater. I received back in return more love and more gratitude. And I discover, the more I give, the more I get back.
On one of the rides, a rider came up to me, and said, “What is you TRLs do, no one is talking to me. – I wanted to say – We are not your social club, we are here to train you. But cooler heads prevailed, and we gently guided him into introducing himself to the people around him, and then checked in with him, to make sure he was putting himself out there. Sometimes I forget that THE RIDE is about the people we help, that THE RIDE, only works because of the love that is THE RIDE.
This also happens at Church (and many other social functions) people tend to think that if they show up that is good enough, no, you have to interact, you have to talk and listen.
I’m good at the listening part, and that is important, especially if you can listen (not thinking of what you are going to say next), but one must say what is on your mind, hopefully in a respectful manner.
If you are outspoken, but think you have no friends, it might be how you express yourself. Sometimes people get tired of all the drama.
Sometimes, I want more interaction, but in reality, I’m pretty busy doing my own thing, so it boils down to, I make my own decisions about where I want to spend my time, though if I didn’t have to work…
I’d be traveling, visiting, commenting on everyone’s blogs, going on longer bike rides, doing more gardening, painting more.
It got me thinking about myself however, and how I live my life, and also how some of my friends live their lives. In my church, we have a saying, “ If you want to be loved, then go and love someone” In other words you only get what you give.
I feel like a lot of times that I’m not part of a community, but when I think about it. I must admit that if I don’t feel part of a community, it is because of my own actions.
Some examples of the things I do are;
I don’t comment on every one’s blogs that I read.
When on a bicycle ride, I don’t talk to everyone that might be on the same ride.
I don’t call people on the phone and talk to them, ask them how they are.
I starting riding in the Aids-Lifecycle as doing something that was giving to others, it brought me great rewards, but though I was now part of this “community” I still felt a disconnect, so I became a Training Ride Leader.
This required more giving on my part, more of my time, more of my knowledge, more of my heart. And, so my rewards were greater. I received back in return more love and more gratitude. And I discover, the more I give, the more I get back.
On one of the rides, a rider came up to me, and said, “What is you TRLs do, no one is talking to me. – I wanted to say – We are not your social club, we are here to train you. But cooler heads prevailed, and we gently guided him into introducing himself to the people around him, and then checked in with him, to make sure he was putting himself out there. Sometimes I forget that THE RIDE is about the people we help, that THE RIDE, only works because of the love that is THE RIDE.
This also happens at Church (and many other social functions) people tend to think that if they show up that is good enough, no, you have to interact, you have to talk and listen.
I’m good at the listening part, and that is important, especially if you can listen (not thinking of what you are going to say next), but one must say what is on your mind, hopefully in a respectful manner.
If you are outspoken, but think you have no friends, it might be how you express yourself. Sometimes people get tired of all the drama.
Sometimes, I want more interaction, but in reality, I’m pretty busy doing my own thing, so it boils down to, I make my own decisions about where I want to spend my time, though if I didn’t have to work…
I’d be traveling, visiting, commenting on everyone’s blogs, going on longer bike rides, doing more gardening, painting more.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
this too shall pass
It’s the last day of April, so quick - get a post in before the whole month has gone away.
To tell you the truth, I have not felt like posting, every once in awhile I just feel like I’m done with it.
I mean what is the reason I even do it?
Then I remember, I do it for me, it doesn’t matter if people make comments, though I love it if they do.
It is not about what people out “there” think, it is what is going on in my head.
Sometimes I don’t have the energy to write it down, don’t even know if I want to share it.
It is awfully revealing, and I am a very private person, even if you already know too much about me.
Sometimes, I think, that people aren’t even really interested, I mean how many times has someone asked you how your day was, and you start to tell them, and they get “that look”, and you know that you are boring them to death.
Once again you forgot, “They were just being polite” (Actually, sometimes it is just not the right place or time – like a party)
Sometimes I get down on myself, I’m getting older, the body does not respond the way it used to, it takes awhile to get over being sick or getting over some of the work of training rides.
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going to the gym again, I want to go shopping! And yes to tell you the truth, mostly I want to go and buy bike parts, or start saving for my very own bike.
What? Bike Parts? I though you were not one of those bike freaks, you say to me?
It’s starting to get to me, I want to get out of this office and go for a bike ride ((as soon as the wind dies down))
I wish I could afford to take some time off and just go for some rides, stop at a coffee stop, sit and drink coffee and then get back on the bike and go again.
-
Its funny how we get depressed sometimes.
Last week I went to bike event and I was saying goodbye to some friends of mine ((Sonoma County Riders)) and this lady whispers in my ear, “ When you came in this room, after the ride, I heard a couple of gasps, Those guys ( she pointed all around her) think you are the handsomest guy in the room”
I blushed, and said “Ah Shucks”, and then I spend the rest of this week, thinking, well I don’t have as much muscles as that guy, my face isn’t as handsome as that guy. I’m not as thin as that guy.
Well I have to laugh at myself, because, for I should be happy that I was perceived that way, it doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else.
It just is. For that moment, relish it, for life changes, and this moment too shall pass. ((Once upon a time there was a King who said to his advisors “ make me something that will make me sad when I am happy and happy when I am sad, or I shall know that all my advisors are fools and I will kill you all – and the advisors make him a ring that was engraved inside with the words “This too shall pass”))
To tell you the truth, I have not felt like posting, every once in awhile I just feel like I’m done with it.
I mean what is the reason I even do it?
Then I remember, I do it for me, it doesn’t matter if people make comments, though I love it if they do.
It is not about what people out “there” think, it is what is going on in my head.
Sometimes I don’t have the energy to write it down, don’t even know if I want to share it.
It is awfully revealing, and I am a very private person, even if you already know too much about me.
Sometimes, I think, that people aren’t even really interested, I mean how many times has someone asked you how your day was, and you start to tell them, and they get “that look”, and you know that you are boring them to death.
Once again you forgot, “They were just being polite” (Actually, sometimes it is just not the right place or time – like a party)
Sometimes I get down on myself, I’m getting older, the body does not respond the way it used to, it takes awhile to get over being sick or getting over some of the work of training rides.
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like going to the gym again, I want to go shopping! And yes to tell you the truth, mostly I want to go and buy bike parts, or start saving for my very own bike.
What? Bike Parts? I though you were not one of those bike freaks, you say to me?
It’s starting to get to me, I want to get out of this office and go for a bike ride ((as soon as the wind dies down))
I wish I could afford to take some time off and just go for some rides, stop at a coffee stop, sit and drink coffee and then get back on the bike and go again.
-
Its funny how we get depressed sometimes.
Last week I went to bike event and I was saying goodbye to some friends of mine ((Sonoma County Riders)) and this lady whispers in my ear, “ When you came in this room, after the ride, I heard a couple of gasps, Those guys ( she pointed all around her) think you are the handsomest guy in the room”
I blushed, and said “Ah Shucks”, and then I spend the rest of this week, thinking, well I don’t have as much muscles as that guy, my face isn’t as handsome as that guy. I’m not as thin as that guy.
Well I have to laugh at myself, because, for I should be happy that I was perceived that way, it doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else.
It just is. For that moment, relish it, for life changes, and this moment too shall pass. ((Once upon a time there was a King who said to his advisors “ make me something that will make me sad when I am happy and happy when I am sad, or I shall know that all my advisors are fools and I will kill you all – and the advisors make him a ring that was engraved inside with the words “This too shall pass”))
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